Sunday, October 23, 2011

Mourning the Death of Grandma Shadow

Sun enters Scorpio today! And I am awakening to the dark powerful fumes that are already swirling around me, oozing from the depths of my emotional well. Words dancing on a page, my inner self diving deeper into the dark waters of the world down under. My dreams are revealing the lost motion picture that rerun in the dark empty theater filled with pink smoke that was too foggy for me to see the truth in its rawness. My dreams are showing me what I am unable to see, hear, taste or smell when my eyes are open and I am walking upon the earth. More so the events that are occurring in my waking life are like astonishing and challenging riddles who's answers are now shining like a stellium of planets that were hidden behind the moon.

Here's my emotional prose that reflects the Scorpion Sun as it shines through me!

I am not afraid of dying any more, if ever I were.
For I have longed to die in many ways and have died countless times,
embracing its many faces and the places it shows up.

I allow myself to die,
that part of me that is old, weary, wrinkled up, tired, lifeless
from being the way it’s been,
the grandmother of self-rejection, self-sabotage,
and denial, fear and anger.

I now allow her to die and rest in peace.
She wants to die, actually.
And to me that is the most beautiful aspect of this grand event.
She is now ready to die,
She no longer wants to even fight with me,
She no longer wants to resist and be against me,
She no longer wants to be crouched up in the corner
and drenched in the shitty waters of my basement
while living in the lower levels of my existence.

She no longer has the power,
She admits that her time is up,
She has done her part,
She has played her role as Grandmother of the dark past.
I honor and respect you for that Grandma Shadow.
You are meaningful! You were a necessary part of me.

I didn’t know the depths of that until 46 years later.
I accept your resignation. I accept your stepping down.
I am at peace with your slow death.
I don’t want it to be painful for you.
I don’t want it to be any more of the agony it has already been.
I let go of you, I allow you to let go of me.

Death is beautiful and you are even more beautiful!
I will take your teachings,
I will awaken to the lessons you have already instilled in me.
I will integrate them into all of me
I will forever love and honor you
for all that you stood for and all that you reflected.
I surrender and allow you to transcend,
to transform and if need be
to rise up like a phoenix from the old ashes.

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