Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Aching for Love!

Dear Eco-Goddess:

I am aching for love! Ever feel that way? I've been off the dating horse for over a year now - on a consistent basis. I may have gone out with a couple of men during that time but they were all one time daters. Nothing fancy, nothing to write home about. My interest level down!

I am becoming very concerned about my romantic life which of course includes relationships, love & sex. For me romance on a fluid basis must include those three key words. I believe that I may be overloaded with feelings to the point of emotional congestion and this may be causing bouts of depression and a "back-off" sign may be posted on my chest that even I can't see. Mixed messages? I want you.... but I don't want you. That is just how I feel and may certainly be projecting. Plus I feel frozen in my tracks. My last relationship was a soul buster due to the dramatic climax we underwent. Talk about emotional volcanic eruptions! They were the highlights of the closing chapter. But have I truly closed that chapter? This I now understand was a shock to my entire system and I may not have gotten over it in a timely and orderly fashion. I mean how do you get over a broken mind and a cracked heart?

On Mother's day, I ventured out with a man I met while traveling locally. Truth is he is not what I classify as "my type". But at the time of meeting, I was drawn to his energy field and introspect may have been sucked into it for all the wrong reasons. So in the spirit of moving away from putting anyone in that old detrimental category, I took a chance and allowed him to spend a few hours with me on Sunday. When he arrived at my doorstep, I immediately heard a voice inside me say, "hmmm.... he's pretty wide around the waist and don't appear to be solidly on his feet nor in his composure." He seem to wobble a bit. This actually is true but I didn't let it stop me from going out and having a good time. So I actually made the best of it and went with the flow. Truth is deep inside I felt a bit of an attraction but nothing that would hold a lasting frame. There seemed to be a few odds I was up against. But hey, it was only a first date.

At the end of the date, I suggested having a cup of tea but he said he's not a tea drinker. I am a big tea drinker and so I felt that we wouldn't be sharing blissful tea times together - that's for sure. During our departure time, he just said good bye and walked away. Later on, I sent him a text message to say thank you and good night but its Tuesday morning and he has not responded. Clearly a big message for me because it keeps resurrecting in my mind.

I've discovered a TV show on VH1 called "Tough Love New Orleans". I like that show because its pinning me down to face areas of relating that I've ignored or discounted. It's challenging me to grow up and pay attention so that I can relieve the aching feelings I have around making a love connection. Each of the women contestants teach me something about the ropes of love and the ones that pull the strings of the heart.

This episode in my personal dating life, is awakening me to myself. I know that you've always said, "It's not about him or the other person, its about me or self." And I can't help hearing your words over and over again as I realize that my feelings are actually hurt. Even though, I don't want him, the fact that he ignored my text and has not made that follow up call or outreach says it all! I feel sad inside that he was one person before we went out and now I am wondering who the hell he is. Is there something I'm missing? Or am I only facing the reality of my own feelings and that is... he's just not into me and that is only a reflection of the fact that I am just not into him.

Is it right and safe to say that it's my EGO that's trying to control the situation, its my ego self that's struggling with the emotions I feel inside? And if it is so, then how do I still honor my feelings, learn from this and move on? I am a freedom lover and so I don't need to talk to a man everyday. But this one is a bit strange and because I'm not accustomed to a man ignoring my follow-up or him not following up I am actually crushed. It's more so that I feel rejected in some way. My ego is not liking that at all! I wonder though, if he calls me... how do I respond or address this in an authentic way that does not compromise my integrity, my sense of self and self-worth? I have even begun to cuss him in my mind but I soon stop because I am able to call out my ego for its games. Or better yet, do I call him and express my feelings to him? Or just practice letting this one go? He owes me nothing. But what do I owe myself in this aching for love case?

Your advise and guidance would be greatly appreciated!

THE ECO-GODDESS: This one is perfectly timed with VENUS RETROGRADING less speed ahead today. It began its slow regression last month but its official today. I'd like to invite my readers to join in and offer advice to this lady who is clealry ACHING FOR LOVE!!

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